PERSPECTIVE

"You don't want a drink? What are you, a drunk?"

A Disturbed Peace by Brian McNaught

The word drunk filled the room with the kind of evil vibrations which generally accompany a callous sputtering of the words faggot, dyke, nigger and kike. It was all that I could do to sit still. My impulse was to charge in with a razor-sharp tongue and cut our host to the bone. I looked at Ray, my partner, with a pained expression.

"I wouldn't use that word," he smiled, "but I do have a problem with booze. Do you have any soda water?"

My lover is in the process of "coming out" again, this time as an alcoholic. It is a confusing and unsettling experience for both of us which, I feel, has many similarities to the initial acknowledgment of one's homosexuality. It is scary. It is final. It takes real courage to do so. It is a subject dominated by myths. The response from people is generally negative (especially those uncomfortable with their own drinking) and it effects the lives of more than the individual.

Knowing that he had too often relied on booze for stimulation, Ray had quit drinking in the past. For a year and a half he graciously turned down drinks and began celebrating the control he felt over this and many other areas of his life. He didn't think of, or refer to himself as an alcoholic then and few, if any, people commented

"It is estimated that one

out of every three gay

AND

Because of our ignorance about alcoholism and because of the images we conjure up in others when we use the word, Ray and I both find that we are coming out in a way similar to our gay experience.

"I'm an alcoholic," he will say, "but I'm not like other alcoholics." "He's an alcoholic," I will confide, "but it's not what you think."

Together we're working at better understanding the issue. We talk candidly about our feelings.

"Never is a long, long time," Ray will say.

"I miss our cocktail hour."

"Not even a sip of wine on our anniversary, Christmas or birthdays."

"I feel pretty conspicuous drinking alone."

"It's hard being sober when everyone else is high." "It's hard for me to watch you deal with the pressure

men in metropolitan people put on you to drink. I want to protect you." areas has a serious alcohol problem."

"Please don't take care of me in front of others. I hate the attention."

when he asked for a soft drink. He resumed drinking in small steps when he presumed the danger of abuse was over, but we soon found that Ray drank differently than I did. He wasn't a sloppy drunk, nor did he have a radical personality change, but he once again grew to depend upon alcohol for stimulation; he had difficulty stopping when everyone else did and he felt guilty the next day. The holidays brought the issue to a head and with the help of a therapist he was able to admit to his alcoholism. Though frightened and confused, he was also relieved.

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"It's hard for me to hear you tell people you're an alcoholic. I get on the defensive, I resent the people asking you about it and I feel sorry for both of us." "I'm really going to need your help in this." "I'm really proud of you. I hope you know that." We also have lots of questions.

"Is hereally an alcoholic?"

"Can I smoke grass? What about liquors in coffee or over ice cream?"

"Who should we tell and who doesn't need to know?" "Do I have to join AA?"

It is estimated that one out of every three gay men in metropolitan areas has a serious alcohol problem. So serious is alcoholism in the gay community that it ranks third as the cause of our death. Though there is confusion about the causes of alcoholism, it is considered a degenerative disease which is affected by outside factors. The oppression and exploitation experienced by gay people and the prominance of bars

in our social life, contributes significantly to our high rate of alcoholism.

There are many people in my life who I believe have serious dinking problems. (That may include me.) They

"Lovers and friends who do not lovingly confront the alcoholic with the problem are known as co-alcoholics."

generally have a high tolerance of booze and rely heavily on alcohol to affect their mood to relax, to get happy, to become bolder, to numb pain. The various stages of alcohol addiction, as described in the British Journal of Addiction, include but are not restricted to: occassional relief drinking, constant relief drinking, increase in alcohol tolerance, onset of memory blackouts, urgency of first drink, feelings of guilt, inability to discuss the problem, decrease of the ability to stop drinking when others do, drinking bolstered by excuses, grandiose and aggresive behavior and promises to cut back or quit fail. The problem is considered crucial when family and friends are avoided, there are work and money

problems, unreasonable resentments, a neglect of food, loss of ordinary will power, tremors and early morning drinks, a decrease in alcohol tolerance, physical deterioration, impaired thinking and obsession with drinking.

It is estimated by the National Council on Alcoholism that at least four other lives are negatively affected by the alcoholism on, one person. The gay lover of an alcoholic frequently begins by accepting the alcoholic's

rationalizations about drinking. According to a study by

Grant Hospital in Chicago, progressive response to the drinking includes the realization that the drinking is not

normal and a fear other people will find out about it.

There is increasing social isolation, increasing distance between between partners and less sexual contact. The lover of the alcoholic begins to feel like a failure, begins to lose hope and is less inclined to try to understand. Arguments become more violent and the lover begins. taking over the responsibilites of the alcoholic. Without help, the relationship will probably be terminated..

Lovers and friends who do not lovingly confront the alcoholic with the problem are known as co-alcoholics. These are the people who enable alcoholics to continue in their self-destruction without interruption. Blaming the alcoholic for his or her problem has never stopped a person from drinking (and in fact can have the opposite effect) but "supportive involvement" is crucial to the alcoholic's recovery. Ultimately, it takes a commitment from the alcoholic to stop drinking. Even a loving, supportive spouse cannot stop a determined drinker.

Ray and I still have a lot to learn about alcoholism and how it can affect our relationship. We know that it is not just his issue; it is our issue. One very positive benefit of this struggle is the added intimacy it has offered our relationship. It has drawn us even closer and it has filled. me with such pride in Ray that, with his consent, I dared to write about it publicly.

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